The Beginning of the End, or the End of the End

Yesterday was my last day at work.

I wandered around saying bye to folks, not sure if my goodbyes were going to get lost in the flurry of farewells as hundreds of years of journalism experience left the newspaper in one day.

I'd like to think I made a positive impact on my co-workers. I'd like to think I can take lessons I've learned here and apply them to new jobs.

There's still so much to do, I feel like I haven't had time to grieve, as silly as that sounds.

My friends all seem really upset by the people leaving, but I'm merely puzzled by that. I guess I liken it to being somewhat of a sociopath. I see that people are upset, but I just can't empathize, not yet at least.

My husband says, "Imagine it like this: You were in a job you hated and made your life miserable 8 hours a day. Imagine that you were staying. And then you realized that not only was it going to get worse, but that people who made it pleasant were leaving."

One friend says it won't hit me until I'm back home and something happens that I want to share with one of my Best Westers.

I don't know. I think I'm holding it together pretty well.

My husband says my massive headaches and gnawed-on thumbs beg to differ.

Why DO I care?

A co-worker who's escaping the office in the same buyout I am taking is determined to leave without a shred of sick time left to him.

After all, we don't get to cash it out, and even if they think we're faking, what are the bosses going to do about it?

My co-worker summed up his argument: "Who are you trying to impress?"

I don't know. I mean, not only am I leaving the company, I've been so soured by my experience here, that I'm completely leaving the business.

While the business I'm currently in is rather incestuous (you'll generally find yourself working with the same people over and over, or working with people who've worked with people you knew or went to school with), I'm doubting there will be any crossover with my new job.

And I can't imagine wanting to work for most of the people I currently work for.

So why DO I care what these people think?

Why shouldn't I slack off a little? My previous reward for hard work has been more mind-numbing work that my boss takes credit for. Any projects I care about get devalued to the point where another boss taunts me for spending time on them.

Maybe I should blame my Midwestern work ethic.

Even when I'm leaving a list of stuff for my husband to do during the day, I promise, "I'll do my share when I get home," not content to realize that, well, my share of work for the couple involves earning money to pay the rent.

Maybe I could blame my parents.

In 40 years of teaching, my mom hardly ever took days off, even when she broke a leg. My dad returned to work two months after a life-threatening heart attack.

Damn my work ethic.

Joke's on you

Last week, my terrible boss told me I'd be taking on a new project.

 

He didn't ask if I had time to do it, didn't offer to take something else off my plate to give me time to do it, just said, "You'll be doing this."

 

I laughed at the time, because I knew I'd taken the buyout and that any work he shoves on me, he's going to end up doing when I leave.

 

Then I found out today that all of HIS bosses have been told that HE'S working on this project.

 

Here's the quandry: Should I take the bitchy way out and just mess up this project beyond all comprehension and let him answer for it (Why was Angry Gen Xer doing it when you were supposed to be doing it? How did this get so effed up?), or should I do it as well as I can and realize how delicious it's going to be when I leave and he realizes that he's going to have to do everything?

First step of the rest of my life?

I've just taken the first step toward leaving my job -- a job that has spawned untold amounts of anger and self-hate -- and I'm terrified.

For the first time in my life, I don't know what I'm going to do next.

My company is doing buyouts, and I'm taking them up on it.

I tell people it's like a no-fault divorce: They can't get mad at me for leaving and, well, I get to leave, no hard feelings.

But beyond that, I don't know what's next. I don't have another job lined up (which should tell you something about the job I'm leaving, that it's so bad, I'm willing to leave it before even having a safety net), and outside of moving home, I don't really have a lot of plans.

This is the first time in my entire life that I didn't have a move plotted.

From the time I was a child, my parents talked about college. When I was in college, it was known that I was expected to go to graduate school. I had started grad school when I lucked into my first professional job.

And from there on out, I've gotten up every day and gone to work.

And that's how I saw the rest of my life playing out.

Now I don't know what the next 5 or 10 years hold.

Hell, I'm not even sure about next year.

I know this is going to be healthier for me -- there's only so much abuse a person can take from managers -- but right now I'm a little terrified.